I am sitting here in my living watching the TV Special, "I dreamed a dream", the Susan Boyle story. I am 45 years old and I have a dream. I want to be a writer and a public speaker. The older I get, the more it seems that I have waited too long.
In reality, maybe I have waited just long enough. I too have a slight disabililty. I have Bipolar Disorder and I am on disability. God has done some really cool things in my life and I owe it all to him. I am now working on a book titled "The Benefits of Bipolar". I am now on a small dose of medication and my life is going very well.
I have learned how to maximize the benefits of this illness and work through the bad parts. This is something the world needs to know. I have spent today working on my book. I was able to write over thirty pages today. My goal is to find a publisher and get this book published. It is truly never too late to realize your dreams. My dream is getting closer to a reality. I want to write and be a public speaker.
If anyone out there knows how to contact Susan Boyle, I would love to sit down and talk to her. She is truly an inspiration to me. Thanks, Danni
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Saturday, September 26, 2009
This is my Isaac moment!
I just looked over my blogs and realized I have not written anything here in months! Wow, I didn't think it had been that long. But it has!
So what has been going on? My question is? How do you stop loving someone that is and has been a very important part of your life for years. Eight years to be exact?
We started our relationship very casual, but over the years it has become more. For me anyway. My family and friends tell me "if he hasn't popped the question yet, he isn't going to"! Which brings me to another point. I have been married and divorced three times. Frankly I am terrified of marriage, my last husband almost destroyed me. He was bossy, controlling and supposedly a good Christian man. I believe in God and I believe that God has my best interests at heart even if it doesn't seem so at the time.
God asked me to give Him my fear. Umm, you guessed it, I am afraid to do that. But I will, somehow in God's grace I will. You see, this is my "Isaac Moment"! God asked me to turn the relationship over to Him, stop doing the things that don't glorify Him and to trust Him. My Isaac moment.
If you don't know the story in the Bible about Abraham, he was a very old man and God promised him that he would have a son. Abraham and his wife Sarah were very old. Past the age of being able to bear children. Long story short Sarah became pregnant with Isaac. They named him Isaac because, Isaac means laughter. Sarah laughed when she heard that God was going to give her a son.
One day God told Abraham to take Isaac up and sacrifice him on the alter. Abraham was so scared, he didn't want to sacrifice his son. But he trusted God. (In Bible times there had to be sacrifices for sins, an atonement). Abraham took his son and put him on the alter and prepared to sacrifice him, just as he raised his weapon to sacrifice his son God told him to look in the bushes and there was an animal stuck there and God told him to sacrifice the animal and spare his son. Abraham trusted and because of his love and trust God spared Isaac.
Will God spare my relationship if I put it on the alter? Well, I've already put it on the alter, I've already told my boyfriend that the physical side of our relationship must stop. So what do we have left? I guess we will find out! My relationship has been placed on the alter.
I cry, I cry and cry over this man. I love him so much, but God promised that he would give back everything that the enemy has stolen from me. And this type of relationship is not "EVERYTHING" the enemy has stolen from me, it is part of what the enemy has stolen. So I have to give it up, even though I adore this man. Tough situation huh! We actually get along very well so in this day and age it seems a bit crazy to withdraw from a relationship like that.
I don't know what is going to happen. This man sort of believes in God, He doesn't believe much of the Bible and that makes things very difficult. One of two things will happen, either this man and I will fall completely away from each other, or this man will fall in love with God and come to know Him too. If he does not, I don't want to be with him anyway. I know God loves this man and wants him in His kingdom. God wants all of his children in His kingdom.
So what will happen next? Tune in next time for another segment of this unfolding saga. I will try to get here much more often. I need this outlet and thank you for listening to my drama.
Danni
So what has been going on? My question is? How do you stop loving someone that is and has been a very important part of your life for years. Eight years to be exact?
We started our relationship very casual, but over the years it has become more. For me anyway. My family and friends tell me "if he hasn't popped the question yet, he isn't going to"! Which brings me to another point. I have been married and divorced three times. Frankly I am terrified of marriage, my last husband almost destroyed me. He was bossy, controlling and supposedly a good Christian man. I believe in God and I believe that God has my best interests at heart even if it doesn't seem so at the time.
God asked me to give Him my fear. Umm, you guessed it, I am afraid to do that. But I will, somehow in God's grace I will. You see, this is my "Isaac Moment"! God asked me to turn the relationship over to Him, stop doing the things that don't glorify Him and to trust Him. My Isaac moment.
If you don't know the story in the Bible about Abraham, he was a very old man and God promised him that he would have a son. Abraham and his wife Sarah were very old. Past the age of being able to bear children. Long story short Sarah became pregnant with Isaac. They named him Isaac because, Isaac means laughter. Sarah laughed when she heard that God was going to give her a son.
One day God told Abraham to take Isaac up and sacrifice him on the alter. Abraham was so scared, he didn't want to sacrifice his son. But he trusted God. (In Bible times there had to be sacrifices for sins, an atonement). Abraham took his son and put him on the alter and prepared to sacrifice him, just as he raised his weapon to sacrifice his son God told him to look in the bushes and there was an animal stuck there and God told him to sacrifice the animal and spare his son. Abraham trusted and because of his love and trust God spared Isaac.
Will God spare my relationship if I put it on the alter? Well, I've already put it on the alter, I've already told my boyfriend that the physical side of our relationship must stop. So what do we have left? I guess we will find out! My relationship has been placed on the alter.
I cry, I cry and cry over this man. I love him so much, but God promised that he would give back everything that the enemy has stolen from me. And this type of relationship is not "EVERYTHING" the enemy has stolen from me, it is part of what the enemy has stolen. So I have to give it up, even though I adore this man. Tough situation huh! We actually get along very well so in this day and age it seems a bit crazy to withdraw from a relationship like that.
I don't know what is going to happen. This man sort of believes in God, He doesn't believe much of the Bible and that makes things very difficult. One of two things will happen, either this man and I will fall completely away from each other, or this man will fall in love with God and come to know Him too. If he does not, I don't want to be with him anyway. I know God loves this man and wants him in His kingdom. God wants all of his children in His kingdom.
So what will happen next? Tune in next time for another segment of this unfolding saga. I will try to get here much more often. I need this outlet and thank you for listening to my drama.
Danni
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Old people
My step-dad lives in a nursing home. When you walk in you look around at all of the lost people. So many people are left there and their family rarely or never comes to visit. One lady in particular is a lonely old woman. When I stop to speak to her she just about cries. Gives me a great big hug and holds my hand....praying. She is so sweet. This place will break your heart.
If you know someone in a nursing home. Go see them, they need you now more than ever!
If you know someone in a nursing home. Go see them, they need you now more than ever!
Sunday, April 26, 2009
This is awesome!
I went to church today. Second time in six months. I got up this morning and my stomach hurt and I was SO tired I just wanted to go back to sleep. But I didn't! I made myself get going, get myself cleaned up and go to church. I was sure glad I did. I have vowed to "make" myself go from now on, I know I do so much better when I do. Its good to fellowship. I need the teaching and I need the closeness of my Christian friends. I have heard the story many times about the coals in a fire and when you take one smoldering ember and put it to the side by itself it goes out. But when that coal of fire, is with the other embers the fire burns brighter and stays burning with the help of each other. I love that story.
I am doing really well. I started physical therapy on friday and can feel a huge difference in just one session. I am so excited.
I am now only on two medications. One for Bipolar and one for vertigo. I have to take something for pain since my hip is still bothering me but its ok. Medication is a tool and should be used so, not to take over my life and drag it down. I have not felt this good in years.
I really think that Bipolar Disorder has gotten a bad rap in some ways. The focus has been on the bad part of the illness and that anyone who has it has to get OVER it. Correct me if I'm wrong but I am seeing that while control is necessary and has to be done I think that I allowed the joyous, creative side of me to be stifled and that is depressing all by itself. I had gotten to the point that I was serious all the time to the point of being sick, tired and a real stick in the mud most of the time. I don't like being that way. I am who I am. God created me this way. Illness is a part of my life. One of my friends asked me if I had been healed. and I say "yes" I believe I have in so many ways. If God has chosen to take all of the illness from me it will prove itself in time. I know that the way I feel right now I have not felt better.
I am watching what I eat, taking vitamins, b6, b12, calcium/mag, and an herbal/vitamin to help with hormones since I don't have ovaries now as of surgery 2 years ago. (thanks RON for the comment about hormones)! Most of the problems that I had physically are gone.
My son and my daughter in law have a Wii and we do the fitness profiles on it. When I did the first profile it came back that I was in the physical shape of a 57 year old. That was 42 days ago. Friday night I spent the night with my daughter in law. My son has been out of town working and she was bored. P:) We redid the Wii profile of me and it came back that I had the physical shape of a 44 year old! I AM 44!! Praise God! I feel so much better. I now know what the ending of my book is going to be. I knew when I started the book that I could not write a book on dealing with lifes problems and illness's and getting better from them in the shape I was in. Something had to happen. I now know that something HAS happened, I am 1000% better and getting better daily! That is the beginning of a new life and an end to the misery. Thank God!
I am doing really well. I started physical therapy on friday and can feel a huge difference in just one session. I am so excited.
I am now only on two medications. One for Bipolar and one for vertigo. I have to take something for pain since my hip is still bothering me but its ok. Medication is a tool and should be used so, not to take over my life and drag it down. I have not felt this good in years.
I really think that Bipolar Disorder has gotten a bad rap in some ways. The focus has been on the bad part of the illness and that anyone who has it has to get OVER it. Correct me if I'm wrong but I am seeing that while control is necessary and has to be done I think that I allowed the joyous, creative side of me to be stifled and that is depressing all by itself. I had gotten to the point that I was serious all the time to the point of being sick, tired and a real stick in the mud most of the time. I don't like being that way. I am who I am. God created me this way. Illness is a part of my life. One of my friends asked me if I had been healed. and I say "yes" I believe I have in so many ways. If God has chosen to take all of the illness from me it will prove itself in time. I know that the way I feel right now I have not felt better.
I am watching what I eat, taking vitamins, b6, b12, calcium/mag, and an herbal/vitamin to help with hormones since I don't have ovaries now as of surgery 2 years ago. (thanks RON for the comment about hormones)! Most of the problems that I had physically are gone.
My son and my daughter in law have a Wii and we do the fitness profiles on it. When I did the first profile it came back that I was in the physical shape of a 57 year old. That was 42 days ago. Friday night I spent the night with my daughter in law. My son has been out of town working and she was bored. P:) We redid the Wii profile of me and it came back that I had the physical shape of a 44 year old! I AM 44!! Praise God! I feel so much better. I now know what the ending of my book is going to be. I knew when I started the book that I could not write a book on dealing with lifes problems and illness's and getting better from them in the shape I was in. Something had to happen. I now know that something HAS happened, I am 1000% better and getting better daily! That is the beginning of a new life and an end to the misery. Thank God!
Saturday, April 11, 2009
LUI - Living under the influence
June 25, 1995 I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I was in an utter state of confusion and I simply could no longer function. My marriage was a mess. The man that I was married to was a stranger to me, I no longer knew who he was. I no longer knew who I was! I took the pills as prescribed and went on with my life. In and out of psychiatric hospitals for the next two years, my life was a mess. I continued in counseling and did what the doctors told me. Over the years I began to feel better about life. My husband was long gone and I had built a life of my own. Third time divorced I was glad to be on my own again.
One day I made a decision that would alter my life forever. What we must remember here is that no decision is the wrong one, even if it seems so at the time. Because God knows what is the right thing to do and sometimes those decisions that seem like the wrong ones are the decisions that make the biggest difference in our lives.
That decision was to move out of my comfy little apartment and live next door to my "best" friend. That decision pretty much set my life adrift, my emotional, spiritual and physical life would never be the same. Ten days later my "best" friend kicked me out. I was used to going to church all the time, walking almost a mile or two every day and being in a pretty good place spiritually, emotionally and physically. I stopped doing all of those things and that is when the health issues really began.
It started out with Trigeminal Neuralgia. They put me on one drug to see if it would help and for a long time it did. But, then it came back. Along the line my blood pressure went up a bit so they put me on something for that. Then my heart began to spasm so they put me on something for that! By the time I yelled STOP! I was on about 13 prescriptions in all and I was a mess. I could not sleep at night and I could not wake up during the day! My face hurt constantly, my blood pressure was up even higher than before! I didn't exercise, my spiritual life was dead and I was an emotional wreck.
That wasn't the worst of it! I had lost my ability to speak properly. I had vertigo and I was incontinent. I had to wear diapers to bed because if I don't I soak the bed and have to wash it every morning. I don't have a washer and dryer so I can't be washing the sheets every day. Not to mention what that does to my bed.
I have been living under the influence of prescription drugs for fourteen years. I have not been taking anything that you normally hear about as being bad. No Vicaden, codeine or anything else that is normally the bad boys of prescription drugs! No, what I have been taking is psychiatric and neurologic type drugs. And they have totally screwed me up! Today I got a zip lock bag and I threw all of my prescriptions into that bag and threw it in the back of the closet. I'm done with this mess! I don't want to do it anymore. The psychiatric medications were there while I was going through counseling and dealing with the issues that had brought me there. I'm done with that. The medications got way out of hand and I didn't even see it coming. I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. I was such a wreck that I was incapable of getting out of the mess on my own and not strong enough spiritually to trust Gods direction or even know what it was if it was on a billboard.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to drop everything, but what I am saying is PAY ATTENTION! I'm kind of scared but a part of me is at peace now. I took my morning medication and now I have a headache. I'm not sure which one caused the headache, but I do know this. I'm done! God knows what is best all of the time. I believe that! I believed that back then, but I didn't have the strength enough to walk that belief. Not many people do! How do I learn to listen? Keep listening!
Danni
One day I made a decision that would alter my life forever. What we must remember here is that no decision is the wrong one, even if it seems so at the time. Because God knows what is the right thing to do and sometimes those decisions that seem like the wrong ones are the decisions that make the biggest difference in our lives.
That decision was to move out of my comfy little apartment and live next door to my "best" friend. That decision pretty much set my life adrift, my emotional, spiritual and physical life would never be the same. Ten days later my "best" friend kicked me out. I was used to going to church all the time, walking almost a mile or two every day and being in a pretty good place spiritually, emotionally and physically. I stopped doing all of those things and that is when the health issues really began.
It started out with Trigeminal Neuralgia. They put me on one drug to see if it would help and for a long time it did. But, then it came back. Along the line my blood pressure went up a bit so they put me on something for that. Then my heart began to spasm so they put me on something for that! By the time I yelled STOP! I was on about 13 prescriptions in all and I was a mess. I could not sleep at night and I could not wake up during the day! My face hurt constantly, my blood pressure was up even higher than before! I didn't exercise, my spiritual life was dead and I was an emotional wreck.
That wasn't the worst of it! I had lost my ability to speak properly. I had vertigo and I was incontinent. I had to wear diapers to bed because if I don't I soak the bed and have to wash it every morning. I don't have a washer and dryer so I can't be washing the sheets every day. Not to mention what that does to my bed.
I have been living under the influence of prescription drugs for fourteen years. I have not been taking anything that you normally hear about as being bad. No Vicaden, codeine or anything else that is normally the bad boys of prescription drugs! No, what I have been taking is psychiatric and neurologic type drugs. And they have totally screwed me up! Today I got a zip lock bag and I threw all of my prescriptions into that bag and threw it in the back of the closet. I'm done with this mess! I don't want to do it anymore. The psychiatric medications were there while I was going through counseling and dealing with the issues that had brought me there. I'm done with that. The medications got way out of hand and I didn't even see it coming. I felt like it was the right thing to do at the time. I was such a wreck that I was incapable of getting out of the mess on my own and not strong enough spiritually to trust Gods direction or even know what it was if it was on a billboard.
I'm not saying that everyone needs to drop everything, but what I am saying is PAY ATTENTION! I'm kind of scared but a part of me is at peace now. I took my morning medication and now I have a headache. I'm not sure which one caused the headache, but I do know this. I'm done! God knows what is best all of the time. I believe that! I believed that back then, but I didn't have the strength enough to walk that belief. Not many people do! How do I learn to listen? Keep listening!
Danni
Monday, April 6, 2009
The family tree
We all had dinner today at my son Mark and his wife Maggie's house. I had gone and bought the stuff for barbecue hamburgers and hotdogs. I made potato salad and Mom made a pasta salad. We got together and Mark and Maggie did the cooking basically while Mom and I stood and watched. We all ate and finished watching the bull riding. I like bull riding so that was a good thing for me.
When bull riding was over we started playing games on the Wii. We played bowling, tennis and golf. I was sitting there watching my daughter and daughter in law play bowling and I got a big lump in my throat. Here we were, all of us together, playing the Wii and laughing and joking around having a good time. My family is not known for having a good time together. I think we have all grown up enough that we can put the past behind us and let it rest where it belongs! I wanted to cry, but it was good tears not bad ones.
Family is all you've got and you and I should remember that and keep them close to your heart. I love my family and I have been trying very hard to make sure they know it. We had a huge family dissagreement a few years ago and we didn't talk for three years.
When my Dad died he and I were in a disagreement and I didn't call to smooth things over and neither did he. He died before I really knew if he heard what I was trying to say to him while he was out of it. I am glad that my kids and I got over our disagreement before it was too late.
When you have a disagreement with someone it is important to let them know how you feel, that you love them. But, when it is family it is even MORE important to say I love you and let it go. People will fight over the most stupid reasons!
Danni
When bull riding was over we started playing games on the Wii. We played bowling, tennis and golf. I was sitting there watching my daughter and daughter in law play bowling and I got a big lump in my throat. Here we were, all of us together, playing the Wii and laughing and joking around having a good time. My family is not known for having a good time together. I think we have all grown up enough that we can put the past behind us and let it rest where it belongs! I wanted to cry, but it was good tears not bad ones.
Family is all you've got and you and I should remember that and keep them close to your heart. I love my family and I have been trying very hard to make sure they know it. We had a huge family dissagreement a few years ago and we didn't talk for three years.
When my Dad died he and I were in a disagreement and I didn't call to smooth things over and neither did he. He died before I really knew if he heard what I was trying to say to him while he was out of it. I am glad that my kids and I got over our disagreement before it was too late.
When you have a disagreement with someone it is important to let them know how you feel, that you love them. But, when it is family it is even MORE important to say I love you and let it go. People will fight over the most stupid reasons!
Danni
Monday, March 30, 2009
its a plan, if it will only work...
It's been awhile since I have written anything and it takes me a minute to think of what to say. Life is pretty rough right now. I am having troubles with one of my children.
I am trying to get moved out of my apartment into the one on the ground floor so I don't fall down the stairs again. Some days I just want to sit down and cry because I am at a loss as to what to do. I love my children, all of them and you can't say that I love one child more than the other because I love each one differently. Sometimes when I am trying to make a point it doesn't come out that way and I look like I am the bad guy. I don't want to be the bad guy I just can't stand it anymore and I have to say something!
My friend wants me to pray for Heather so I'm asking you to pray for Heather too.
My mouth hurts from trigeminal neuralgia and my blood pressure is 152/105! This is not good! And of course all of this hurts because of the stress that I can't seem to get away from or solve! While you are praying for Heather, pray for me too I can hardly move my mouth, I chew on my tongue and don't even realize it until it is really sore. I hurt! I want to cry because of the problems with my child and I just hate it that things are the way they are but I don't know what to do!
Take care and good night!
Danni
I am trying to get moved out of my apartment into the one on the ground floor so I don't fall down the stairs again. Some days I just want to sit down and cry because I am at a loss as to what to do. I love my children, all of them and you can't say that I love one child more than the other because I love each one differently. Sometimes when I am trying to make a point it doesn't come out that way and I look like I am the bad guy. I don't want to be the bad guy I just can't stand it anymore and I have to say something!
My friend wants me to pray for Heather so I'm asking you to pray for Heather too.
My mouth hurts from trigeminal neuralgia and my blood pressure is 152/105! This is not good! And of course all of this hurts because of the stress that I can't seem to get away from or solve! While you are praying for Heather, pray for me too I can hardly move my mouth, I chew on my tongue and don't even realize it until it is really sore. I hurt! I want to cry because of the problems with my child and I just hate it that things are the way they are but I don't know what to do!
Take care and good night!
Danni
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
